Ants In My Rants

In the spirit of Rube Goldberg let me tell you the easiest way to get an ant colony to reside inside your automobile. Believe you me, it's really pretty simple when you think about it.

Step A: Drop two quarters into newspaper machine - buy one “Super Tuesday” edition of the local newspaper to read about Barack Obama’s big delegate haul on the first big day of the 2008 Democratic Primary, amongst other things. Throw newspaper in back of wagon for future reading and other unforeseen usefulness

Step B: Insert one twisty screw lying on your friendly neighborhood local Interstate freeway into left rear tire of vehicle - said tire goes flat, forcing you to change over to the emergency tire. Previously described newspaper, along with other random scrap energy bar wrappers, trash, and other food items, slips down into wheel well during change

Step C: Visit the nearby Sears Tire Center to have them replace damaged tire. However, due to time constraints (you need to make an evening appointment) newspaper and other trash remains in wheel well.

Step D: Later on, run over one 4-foot metal bar, bent at 90 degree angle, on different section of friendly neighborhood local Interstate freeway - pull over to side of road as bar continually makes loud clanking against bottom of car while entrapped on rear axle. After extracting said metal bar from axle you notice no obvious damage and drive away fairly satisfied your car has made it through relatively unscathed. However, despite your diligence, you have missed...

Item E: One two-inch gash in the metal of the raised section of the wheel well wall, made from initial collision of bar and car

Step F: Pay $1.00 for one plastic 2-liter bottle of Arrowhead water at Market of Choice, Eugene, Oregon - you’re playing it smart actually. You never now what might happen on the long journey back home to Northern California by way of Crater Lake.

Step G: Even after trip is over, keep bottle in back of wagon just in case. Of course, who would think that you would encounter...

Item H: One intense 3-day heatwave - your Step F water purchase, trapped in its new heat-conducive environment, expands to the point of leakage. Water now drips through fake plastic panel down to wheel well. Previously bought newspaper mentioned in Step A soaks liquid up like a sponge. Now go to...

Step I: Eat (approximately) thirty in-car meals over the next month or so - after all, you’re a commuter, and on-the-go meals, snacks, and other food and beverages are just part of the natural order. In the meantime, continually park your car next to

Item J: A forever-foraging Argentine ant colony in a nearby lawn - said ant colony has made many an invasion in your abode, leading to constant bouts of irritation. And unfortunately for you...

Item K: an enterprising ant scout, discovers that Item E exists and finds a nice warm, moist environment from the now soaked newspaper and some yummy morsels down in the wheel well described in Step A.

Step L: Have Item K inform Item J that Item E exists to set up...

Item M: An ant foraging team of hundreds to enter through still-unknown to you Item E not only to forage existing discoveries, but also to trek around nooks and crannies of hatchback car for other food sources. Sure enough, Item M soon discovers that the yummy particulate matter that you generated in Step I is around the car floor in abundance. Jackpot!

Step N: Take trip over to museum of one of your favorite cartoonists. Ignore warning sign of a couple ants on napkin smushed into drink well next to you during the journey over there.

Step O: Before visiting museum, purchase but don’t completely finish an egg-white omelet with sausage, green peppers, zucchini and pepper jack cheese, along with home fries and wheat toast, from old town brunch restaurant. Package said meal in typical foam container for later consumption. Place foam container in paper bag in place in back of wagon before entering museum destination.

Step P: Leave museum after satisfying visit. Open hatchback to find several hundred frenzied ants having a gleeful time on food contents obtained in Step O.

Step Q: CAREFULLY place contents obtained in Step O plus gleeful Item M hangers-on inside plastic bag and tie bag firmly. Deposit entire package inside nearby garbage can.

Step R: Pick up Step F's Arrowhead bottle and commune with its utter emptiness. Pull up on fake panel to peer underneath, and greet your vision with hundreds more frenzied ants, the soaking wet newspaper and assorted trash described in Step A, and the previously unknown Item E.

Step S: Go to drivers seat to leave and notice ants from the now somewhat crippled Step M mob crawling on foot panel below. Open up all doors and brush off any found ants onto the ground below before closing up the car and driving away.

Step T: Drive to nearby mall and buy your personal favorite pretzel of the moment (in this case, jalapeño cheese) and walk out of said mall around downtown.

Yes, you just may be feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, but neither your bout with clutter, a battle with a swarm of Linepithema Humile, nor a two-inch gash in your car that you hadn’t known about previously aren’t going to ruin the fruits of a nice leisurely walk through downtown on a nice summer day.